This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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