I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
