"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize