I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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