I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
