You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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