I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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