sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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