A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
