my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
As shirtless as possible
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My life is pants optional.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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