i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
