Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
