I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Swine flu. Run for my life!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
