On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
