plz talk dirty to me
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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