I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
