I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize