Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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