There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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