I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
