Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize