you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
