So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Jerry, you need to find god
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
