I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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