Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
