im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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