The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
