I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize