Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
