It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
