I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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