he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I want her autograph on my taint
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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