mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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