i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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