When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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