Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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