Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
