Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
did i just pee glitter
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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