We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
