I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
