i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize