I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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