I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
