3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize