I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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