a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize