Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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