ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
