I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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