i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
