Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
