I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
