I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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