Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
