She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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