How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
