Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
