and you said cock pushups were impossible
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
